The missing piece.

You wake up hoping for a great day ahead.

Suddenly a bottle gets thrown in your face.

 

You avoid confrontations hoping to avoid damage.

Yet they corner you till there’s no way out but to fight back.

 

 

You try your best hoping to please everyone.

Still, one error makes everything else you’ve done meaningless.

 

You blame it on the immature bitches and bastards.

You blame it on the selfish ones that treat you like a punching bag.

You blame it on the over expressive bitches that can’t just mind their own business.

 

So what?

They’ll always be there.

They’ll come stepping on your tail when you least expect it.

They bitch. They judge. They punch. They accuse. They take sides.

 

You run. Hoping to find that missing piece.

Peace.

 

F*** off.

I don’t need drama.

I’ve had enough to write an entire soap opera.

Already gone.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would’ve worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you, now I can’t stop

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

Love conquers all?

Love can move mountains.

Love lifts you up to the highest heavens.

As long as there is love, nothing else matters.

All you need is Love.

If only those were true. Someone once told me I’ll never fall in love. Perhaps that person’s right. Or perhaps I don’t want to fall in love.

What’s the point of falling in love when you can so easily fall out of it? All those talk about leaving everything behind and sacrificing for love. How sweet. How naive. To think that only love is needed for a relationship to last.

 

What about the difference in priorities?

What about the difference in family backgrounds?

What about the difference in beliefs and principles?

You think love can just rearrange priorities, transform family backgrounds, and compensate on beliefs?

 

It’s true that love can make you do things you were never capable of doing, believe in the impossible, promise to bring down the moon for your, Loved one. Then one day you realise, you don’t love him/her anymore.

Love is a very strong emotion. But no matter what, it still remains and will always remain as an emotion. Anger, jealousy, frustration and depression are also emotions too. These emotions are triggered by an event, whether positive or negative, and poof, it fades off.

 

What makes you think love will never fade away?

What do you have to fall back on? Apologies and move-ons?

 

I believe love is important. But it is more important to grow in love. It is to understand that love is but a beautiful gift, something that blooms and grows deeper in its roots; and not the trigger of the relationship.

To say ‘I love you’, is to say through it all, you have found that emotion growing from within, and you have embraced his/her whole self, for who they are, regardless of all the differences.

 

Treasure those three words.

Treasure the first time saying it.

It only comes once.

The greatest enemy.

When apologies cannot remove the guilt,

When the tears cannot wash away the hurt,

When the fallen cannot rise again,

When the past cannot be forgotten,

When everything gained is lost once more,

When you realize all the above, is self-inflicted.

 

You know you cannot run away any longer.

You face it.

You shield your loved ones away from it.

And even if you fail, at least you died trying.

August 12.

She looks at you with a smile and says,

‘You’ve not changed to me. I’m proud of you.’

That’s when you know the chase is over.

Best Friends. Close Friends. Friends. Acquaintances.

I used to believe this existed. That everyone deserves a best friend. That everyone needs someone.

Who knows what you’re thinking without you speaking it out.

Who defends you when everyone thinks otherwise.

Who picks you up when you’re about to fall.

Who gives a listening ear when all you want to do is complain.

Who’s always there for you.

And you for him.

 

But is it my fault to stop believing in this when all I get in return is rejection?

 

You see a potential to develop a closer friendship with him.

You start to spend more time with him and get to know him better.

You slowly start to reveal who you really are to that person;

Waiting to see if he cares to know more.

 

You get some response.

You think this is going to work out pretty well.

You care more for him than any other friend.

You start to project more emotions into this friendship.

You want to be someone he can rely on as well.

Soon enough, you can call him your best friend.

 

And suddenly he vanishes. Because he has other closer friends to attend to.

 

You start to wonder why he chose them over you.

Maybe it’s something you did. Or said. Or didn’t say.

Maybe you’re expecting too much from him until he feels suffocated being your best friend.

Maybe all this while you were the only one that wanted a closer friendship.

Maybe, you’re just not good enough.

 

And there you are lying stranded, feeling vulnerable and no one else to turn to.

Because everyone has their own best friends already.

 

Ever since, ‘best friend’ was never a term I use anymore. Close friends, sure.

But I’m not going to reveal my weaknesses, or rely on them.

It’s all on me, myself and I.

I don’t want to expect anything on anyone and feel the same hurt again.

Because love makes you vulnerable.

 

Yeah I’m probably just a bitter person that can’t accept rejections.

I do admit that sometimes I wish the worst for the friend that was chosen over me.

And I also know how immature I am getting out of bed in the middle of the night writing this.

I keep asking myself, ‘What am I suppose to learn out of this?’

 

If you know this is you, know also that I have forgiven you. But don’t expect me to forget it.

Yes, you did ruin all my hopes of finding a best friend.

And yes, I can still feel the pain when you left me out feeling vulnerable.

 

But today, I want to hope again.

I want to learn to trust others and not keep all my secrets to myself.

I want to depend on people like I used to.

And to love them in return.

 

Will you be my best friend?

A grain of sand. The end.

“Face this alone.”

He does not even know what he’s talking about. As if he could handle loneliness.

 

What is the point of holding on to something he can’t share it’s joy with?

 

He suddenly felt a surge of energy flowing through his hands. Although deep down he was as scared as hell.

He proceeded to unlock the chain. One by one. Arrows punctured his body from all directions.

 

‘Just a little bit more. Just a few more keys left. Just a little bit more pain to endure. Just one more step. Just a little.’

 

30 seconds left.

 

He finally did it. Unlocked. Exposed. But now, his fear inside was eating his every bone and muscle.

‘What if this is a trap?’

‘What if I this is not mine to hold?’

‘What if it isn’t the right time?’

‘I know it. You know it. Not everyone sees the light. I do. You do. So stop running away. Stop denying the truth.’ that voice said again.

 

 

He opened the glass box. He held it with his hands.

It was all he expected. But not all he wanted.

It was all gentle and welcoming. But he felt so detached.

It was all strong and steady. But he was feeling weaker by the second.

 

‘I don’t belong. Not now. Not yet. Not ever, perhaps.’

 

He dropped it. It shattered and disintegrated into sand.

The wind blew it away. He tried to salvage it. But all he got was a grain of sand.

He held it tightly and ran towards home. A smile on his face.

 

‘Can he make it?’

Timeout.

A grain of sand. II.

He looked towards the direction of home. He could almost feel and smell the freshly prepared dishes, with the dinner seats being filled up with the people he treasured the most in his life. Smiles. Love. Comfort. Warmth.

 

But amongst that, he felt the great winds cutting through his skin, for the night was coming. He turned away. Immediately he envisioned the empty seat, his seat; waiting to be filled. Tears. Disappointment. ‘Come back!’ they shouted.

 

For what shone so bright and beautiful in his eyes was seen as a flame consuming his soul, tearing their hearts altogether.

 

He gazed at that thing. He heard D’s words, ‘I know it. You know it. Not everyone sees the light. I do. You do. So stop running away. Stop denying the truth.’ Confusion. Excitement. Curiosity. Fear.

He tried to pull the arrow out from his leg. The physical pain was nothing compared to the deep hurt he was feeling inside. He wanted to call out for help, but everyone was busy, for they had their own burdens to carry.

 

‘I have to face this alone,’ he said.

 

2 minutes left.

 

A grain of sand.

A little boy was rushing down the street he always used to go back home. But this time, at the corner of his eye he noticed something bright. He stopped. He wasn’t suppose to, because he was minutes away till the sun sets and he won’t find his way home without the lights. But that thing shoned brighter than the sun. It was something he always wanted. But could never have. He came closer to it, only to realise it was protected in a glass box, which was stuck to a chain; which was tied to a pillar.

 

He checked his watch: 5 minutes left.

 

Deep down, he knew he could only have one. Home. Or that something. But he wasn’t satisfied.

He threw the box down, but it was as solid as steel.

He used his penknife to cut through the chain, but it was as tough as old boots.

He tried to carry the pillar from the ground, but it was as heavy as his heart, for he could not part with it.

 

4 minutes left.

 

He sat down and leaned on the pillar. Tired, but not giving up. He looked up in the sky, wishing that the sun will linger just a little longer. But something else caught his eye. A key; hanging next to a key, which was surrounded by another bunch of keys, which was… You know how it goes. He might just be able to unlock the chain. If he just had more time. Or more hands. Or more brains.

 

He unlocks one. An arrow came out from the walls, and hit his leg. He knew he wasn’t going to have it easy. He looked at the keys – will he live long enough to find the key to his treasure, before he gets killed opening the rest?

 

Keys. Time. Treasure. Pain. Treasure. Keys. Pain. Time. Home. Treasure. Keys. Time. Pain. Home. Choice. Arrow. Tears. Hurt. Run. Stay. Think. Home. Hell. Darkness. Lost. 

 

3 minutes left.

Grow Up!

‘That’s disgusting! I can’t believe he’s wearing that!’

‘OMG! How can she be so blind to choose him??’

‘How am I going to face anyone with such messy hair!’

 

In a years time, this person is going to inject IV drips for a dehydrated kid.

In 3 years time, he is going to diagnose whether a grandmother is having diabetes or not.

In 5 years time, he is going to surgically remove a tumour from a person’s brain.

 

And now, this person is still thinking about his friend’s dressing, taste in guys and messy hair.

 

Too many times have I been told those two words.

And too many times have I disappointed the people who told me so.

 

‘Would you let it go already! Grow up man!’

That was his exact words. And he walked away.

Thank you dear friend. You know who you are.

I hope one day I’ll hear you say, ‘Wow, you’re more matured than I thought.’

  

But after many little incidences. I think I’ve grown. Just a little.

 

I’ve learned that we all must be messed up, before we can step up.

I’ve learned to turn around and embrace the people who truly care for me, instead of chasing the shadow of a nobody.

I’ve learned that happiness is spontaneous, waiting for you to trigger the spark.

 

“The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes. That’s the day we truly grow up.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                         John Maxwell

Grow up. You need me to. I need you to. And so does the future.