Sporty 10′

Yeah even I can’t believe I’m going to do this, but I guess announcing it on my blog is going to make me actually do it *fingers crossed*

So why?

Well besides the fact that the World Cup and Thomas Cup is going to be going on this year, I do need to thank G that kinda made me realize how important sports is and will be to me.

Thinking about it, I cannot even play a single sport, unless you consider table tennis as one (which btw I’m hardly good at). 

On a serious note, which guy doesn’t know how to play a sport? 

What am I going to do while my other guy friends hang out in mamak stalls all night long supporting their favourite team?

How many excuses am I going to create to decline their offers to play a sport?

What am I going to tell my son when he wants me to train him in football?

Some tell me I should just accept who I am because they like me just the way I am, but who am I kidding?

Thanks guys for being so accommodative, but I’m not going to accept that I am a soft guy that only knows fashion and the latest gossip in Medical school.

Jo told me I’m a 70% female, 30% male. #$%!!$#$!!#@@@#@!! Sigh.

I want something to look forward to in the evenings besides studying and waiting for the next sales to come.

I want to be able to celebrate kicking a ball into a goal post.

I want to say joga bonito and actually believe in it.

But isn’t it too late?

Sure go on and laugh at me, but I rather be laughed at now than have my son be laughed at because I can’t participate in a father-son football tournament. So yes, future son, I’m doing this for you.

So in 2010, I’m going to be the first 20 year old guy:

- wanting to learn how to play football now (gosh I am old!) 

- researching about the 2010 World Cup because I don’t know a shit about it

- who ’s not going to give up until he manages to shoot a goal in a goal post

- that is going to prove to everyone that it’s never too late for anything, even sports.

- who will get Jo to tell me I am at least a 50% male.

Anyone care to join me ?

Family.

Coming from a family of seven, it’s mind-blowing just thinking how we managed to live peacefully under the same roof for 18 years, and not kill each other yet.

Not a punch on another’s face.

Maybe a slap. or two.

And some foul languages.

Of course, there were times I really wanted to runaway from them, having the ‘fly and breakwaway’ spirit of 17 years old. It was noisy back then.

I open the front door, and I’ll see two guys sitting down at the computer desks, a man reading the newspaper, a lady shouting away from the other corner of the hall; and two girls, one much older than the other teaching the younger one art or music.

 

I would hug each one of them and tell them how much I loved them being there, even if they weren’t talking to me, that their shouts were music to my ears, that by them obstructing the hallway is yet another reminder of their presence in my life.

And now all I can do is just wish I did so.

 

Now I open the front door, I see a lady sitting at the computer desk because she has no one to shout at, a little girl watching television because she has no one to teach her art or music, and a man sleeping because it’s actually quiet enough to make him fall asleep.

 

I miss the times where I see two big guys running around like little kids because one pinched the other guy’s nipples.

I miss the where I had to squeeze my way to get a comfortable seat at the dining table because there’s just too many of us.

I miss the times where I could choose who to falsely accuse for forgetting to switch off the lights downstairs.

I miss the times, whether good or bad.

 

And soon enough, I’ll be closing the front door and not open it as often as I would want to.

For the times have past, and all I can do is treasure what’s left.

You should too.

Contentment.

I’ve been discovering things about myself;

some I wish to keep, some I wish to be rid off, and some I wish to never have known.

As much as I want to see myself heading down a straight path,

I took some turns, crossed some lines, made some detours, and finally realise; I’m back to where I started.

Funny how life makes you run from your present circumstances that you hate, and finally brings you back to the same spot, only now; you kinda like it here.

Maybe because after you’ve ran to the other side, that ‘present’ becomes unlikeable.

And you turn away again. And again. And again.

And since three right turns in a square brings you back to where you once were, there you are enjoying the ‘present’ you’ve once hated.

Maybe we’re just meant to hate what we have, and love what we don’t have.

Or maybe it’s time to appreciate what we have in the present and stop running.

But how do you know when to stop? Which ‘present’ is the best?

 

Contentment. I just wish I knew what that means.

 

The missing piece.

You wake up hoping for a great day ahead.

Suddenly a bottle gets thrown in your face.

 

You avoid confrontations hoping to avoid damage.

Yet they corner you till there’s no way out but to fight back.

 

 

You try your best hoping to please everyone.

Still, one error makes everything else you’ve done meaningless.

 

You blame it on the immature bitches and bastards.

You blame it on the selfish ones that treat you like a punching bag.

You blame it on the over expressive bitches that can’t just mind their own business.

 

So what?

They’ll always be there.

They’ll come stepping on your tail when you least expect it.

They bitch. They judge. They punch. They accuse. They take sides.

 

You run. Hoping to find that missing piece.

Peace.

 

F*** off.

I don’t need drama.

I’ve had enough to write an entire soap opera.

Already gone.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would’ve worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you, now I can’t stop

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

Love conquers all?

Love can move mountains.

Love lifts you up to the highest heavens.

As long as there is love, nothing else matters.

All you need is Love.

If only those were true. Someone once told me I’ll never fall in love. Perhaps that person’s right. Or perhaps I don’t want to fall in love.

What’s the point of falling in love when you can so easily fall out of it? All those talk about leaving everything behind and sacrificing for love. How sweet. How naive. To think that only love is needed for a relationship to last.

 

What about the difference in priorities?

What about the difference in family backgrounds?

What about the difference in beliefs and principles?

You think love can just rearrange priorities, transform family backgrounds, and compensate on beliefs?

 

It’s true that love can make you do things you were never capable of doing, believe in the impossible, promise to bring down the moon for your, Loved one. Then one day you realise, you don’t love him/her anymore.

Love is a very strong emotion. But no matter what, it still remains and will always remain as an emotion. Anger, jealousy, frustration and depression are also emotions too. These emotions are triggered by an event, whether positive or negative, and poof, it fades off.

 

What makes you think love will never fade away?

What do you have to fall back on? Apologies and move-ons?

 

I believe love is important. But it is more important to grow in love. It is to understand that love is but a beautiful gift, something that blooms and grows deeper in its roots; and not the trigger of the relationship.

To say ‘I love you’, is to say through it all, you have found that emotion growing from within, and you have embraced his/her whole self, for who they are, regardless of all the differences.

 

Treasure those three words.

Treasure the first time saying it.

It only comes once.

The greatest enemy.

When apologies cannot remove the guilt,

When the tears cannot wash away the hurt,

When the fallen cannot rise again,

When the past cannot be forgotten,

When everything gained is lost once more,

When you realize all the above, is self-inflicted.

 

You know you cannot run away any longer.

You face it.

You shield your loved ones away from it.

And even if you fail, at least you died trying.

August 12.

She looks at you with a smile and says,

‘You’ve not changed to me. I’m proud of you.’

That’s when you know the chase is over.

Best Friends. Close Friends. Friends. Acquaintances.

I used to believe this existed. That everyone deserves a best friend. That everyone needs someone.

Who knows what you’re thinking without you speaking it out.

Who defends you when everyone thinks otherwise.

Who picks you up when you’re about to fall.

Who gives a listening ear when all you want to do is complain.

Who’s always there for you.

And you for him.

 

But is it my fault to stop believing in this when all I get in return is rejection?

 

You see a potential to develop a closer friendship with him.

You start to spend more time with him and get to know him better.

You slowly start to reveal who you really are to that person;

Waiting to see if he cares to know more.

 

You get some response.

You think this is going to work out pretty well.

You care more for him than any other friend.

You start to project more emotions into this friendship.

You want to be someone he can rely on as well.

Soon enough, you can call him your best friend.

 

And suddenly he vanishes. Because he has other closer friends to attend to.

 

You start to wonder why he chose them over you.

Maybe it’s something you did. Or said. Or didn’t say.

Maybe you’re expecting too much from him until he feels suffocated being your best friend.

Maybe all this while you were the only one that wanted a closer friendship.

Maybe, you’re just not good enough.

 

And there you are lying stranded, feeling vulnerable and no one else to turn to.

Because everyone has their own best friends already.

 

Ever since, ‘best friend’ was never a term I use anymore. Close friends, sure.

But I’m not going to reveal my weaknesses, or rely on them.

It’s all on me, myself and I.

I don’t want to expect anything on anyone and feel the same hurt again.

Because love makes you vulnerable.

 

Yeah I’m probably just a bitter person that can’t accept rejections.

I do admit that sometimes I wish the worst for the friend that was chosen over me.

And I also know how immature I am getting out of bed in the middle of the night writing this.

I keep asking myself, ‘What am I suppose to learn out of this?’

 

If you know this is you, know also that I have forgiven you. But don’t expect me to forget it.

Yes, you did ruin all my hopes of finding a best friend.

And yes, I can still feel the pain when you left me out feeling vulnerable.

 

But today, I want to hope again.

I want to learn to trust others and not keep all my secrets to myself.

I want to depend on people like I used to.

And to love them in return.

 

Will you be my best friend?

A grain of sand. The end.

“Face this alone.”

He does not even know what he’s talking about. As if he could handle loneliness.

 

What is the point of holding on to something he can’t share it’s joy with?

 

He suddenly felt a surge of energy flowing through his hands. Although deep down he was as scared as hell.

He proceeded to unlock the chain. One by one. Arrows punctured his body from all directions.

 

‘Just a little bit more. Just a few more keys left. Just a little bit more pain to endure. Just one more step. Just a little.’

 

30 seconds left.

 

He finally did it. Unlocked. Exposed. But now, his fear inside was eating his every bone and muscle.

‘What if this is a trap?’

‘What if I this is not mine to hold?’

‘What if it isn’t the right time?’

‘I know it. You know it. Not everyone sees the light. I do. You do. So stop running away. Stop denying the truth.’ that voice said again.

 

 

He opened the glass box. He held it with his hands.

It was all he expected. But not all he wanted.

It was all gentle and welcoming. But he felt so detached.

It was all strong and steady. But he was feeling weaker by the second.

 

‘I don’t belong. Not now. Not yet. Not ever, perhaps.’

 

He dropped it. It shattered and disintegrated into sand.

The wind blew it away. He tried to salvage it. But all he got was a grain of sand.

He held it tightly and ran towards home. A smile on his face.

 

‘Can he make it?’

Timeout.